NOTICE: Following recent incidents involving unauthorized lightsaber use near the quantum coffee machine, the Interdimensional Safety Squad is implementing new guidelines for energy weapon containment in non-Euclidean workspaces.
Recent reference incidents include:
- The “Great Paper Cut of 2024” (involving a lightsaber letter opener)
- Multiple cases of Force-pushed interdepartmental mail
- One (1) attempt to heat lunch using a cross-guard saber
- Seventeen (17) instances of dramatic cape-wearing in violation of dress code
SECTION 1: APPROVED LIGHTSABER ACTIVITIES
1.1 Acceptable Use Cases:
- Opening stubborn packaging in the mail room
- Emergency exit creation (with proper permits)
- Sanctioned interdepartmental duels (see Form LD-66)
- Toasting office party sandwiches (current heat setting only)
1.2 Prohibited Activities:
- Cutting through space-time to reach meetings
- Force-throwing office supplies
- Using plasma blades near quantum computers
- Dramatic entrances involving automatic doors
“A lightsaber is an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. Your open-plan office is neither.” - Interdimensional Safety Squad
SECTION 2: SPATIAL CONSIDERATIONS
2.1 Minimum Clearance Requirements:
| Location | Required Clearance |
|---|---|
| Standard Cubicle | 3 parsecs (properly measured) |
| Conference Room | 1 Death Star trench |
| Break Room | 2 Millennium Falcon cockpits |
| Near Quantum Devices | ∞ (all dimensions) |
SECTION 3: EMERGENCY PROCEDURES
In case of accidental reality bifurcation:
- Deactivate all energy weapons
- Do NOT attempt to Force-heal the timeline
- Contact the Interdimensional Safety Squad
- File Form LS-911 (“Lightsaber-Induced Reality Breach”)
SECTION 4: REQUIRED DOCUMENTATION
All lightsaber-carrying employees must maintain:
- Current Force-users License (Class 3 or higher)
- Kyber Crystal Registration Papers
- Quantum Insurance Policy (with Dark Side coverage)
- Signed copy of “So You Think You’re a Jedi” training manual
SECTION 5: DRESS CODE AMENDMENTS
The following items are now prohibited:
- Dramatic robes that violate OSHA guidelines
- Sith eye contacts during client meetings
- Void-black armor in non-void-compatible spaces
- Respirators that modify normal breathing patterns
REMINDER: “I find your lack of faith disturbing” is not an appropriate response to quarterly performance reviews.
APPENDIX A: APPROVED LIGHTSABER COLORS
| Color | Authorization Level |
|---|---|
| Blue | Upper Management Only |
| Green | IT Department Standard Issue |
| Purple | HR Representatives |
| Red | Forbidden (except during fiscal year end) |
SIGNING AUTHORITY
This advisory has been approved by:
- The Interdimensional Safety Squad
- Department of Energy Weapon Compliance
- That one Jedi from IT
- Several Force ghosts from Legal
Note: If you’re reading this advisory in Universe X-742, please disregard all references to lightsabers and replace them with “glowing cheese sticks.” We still don’t talk about that universe.