NOTICE: This simulator exists in a superposition of addictive and rage-inducing until you start playing.
Remember Asteroids, that classic arcade game where geometric shapes pretended to be space rocks? We’ve given it a quantum upgrade with our new Kepler Simulator, where you can experience the thrill of dodging mysterious dark comets while questioning the nature of hyperdimensional physics.
Why Kepler? Why Now?
In light of our recent episode about ‘Oumuamua and its possibly less-than-natural origins, we thought it was time to let our listeners experience the joy of navigating through a field of potentially alien objects. Unlike the original Asteroids, our dark comets might or might not be piloted by intelligent life forms. They exist in a superposition of natural and artificial until observed - just don’t expect them to conveniently collapse into either state when you’re trying to avoid them.
What Makes This Different From Regular Asteroids?
Our simulator adds several authentically inaccurate features:
- Dark comets that may or may not be alien probes
- Physics that would make Kepler question his laws
- Quantum tunneling power-ups (when they feel like existing)
- Gravity effects that Einstein would politely disagree with
- A scoring system based on Schrödinger’s mathematics
The Science Behind the Simulation
While the original Asteroids used simple vector graphics to represent space rocks, our Kepler Simulator employs a sophisticated system of mathematical equations that we completely made up to justify the strange behavior of our dark comets. The objects follow Kepler’s laws of planetary motion right up until the moment they don’t, creating what we like to call “quantum orbital chaos.”
How to Play
Visit our Kepler Simulator and prepare yourself for an experience that combines the frustration of classic arcade games with the existential dread of modern physics. Use your arrow keys to navigate through space, your spacebar to fire, and your understanding of orbital mechanics to question everything you thought you knew about trajectory planning.
Educational Value?
While we can’t guarantee you’ll learn anything useful about actual space navigation, you might develop a healthy skepticism toward unusual orbital behaviors. If nothing else, you’ll gain a deep appreciation for why real spacecraft don’t use arrow keys for directional control.
A Note on High Scores
Due to the quantum nature of our scoring system, your high score exists in multiple states simultaneously. Don’t be surprised if your best run is simultaneously a new record and a complete failure - we like to think it adds to the authenticity of the quantum gaming experience.
Play Now!
Ready to question your understanding of orbital mechanics while enjoying some retro-style gaming? Head over to our Kepler Simulator and show those dark comets what you’re made of. Just remember: in space, no one can hear you complain about quantum physics.
Note: Any resemblance to actual space objects, alien probes, or properly functioning physics engines is purely coincidental. Side effects may include questioning the nature of reality and a sudden urge to read Kepler’s laws of planetary motion.