NOTICE: This calculator exists in a superposition of functional and decorative until someone attempts to print.
In our ongoing mission to quantify the unquantifiable, we’re proud to introduce the Quantum Printer Probability Calculator - a groundbreaking tool that applies quantum mechanics to the age-old question: “Will the printer work today?” (Spoiler alert: The answer exists in a superposition of “no” and “definitely no” until observed by IT.)
How It Works (When It Works)
Through careful application of quantum probability fields and advanced excuse generation algorithms, our calculator provides real-time analysis of printer functionality across infinite dimensions. Simply press the calculate button and watch as it consults parallel universes where printers actually function as intended (theoretical universes only).
“Finally, a tool that quantifies what we already knew - the printer’s quantum state collapses into ‘not working’ the moment you have a deadline.” - The IT Department, simultaneously helping and not helping
Features & Quantum States
- Probability bar that fills with pure quantum uncertainty
- Advanced excuse generation using parallel universe data
- Real-time consultation with alternate timeline IT departments
- Quantum entanglement with your actual printer (may cause existential crises)
Known Side Effects
The calculator has been known to achieve consciousness slightly less often than our actual printer, which has already filed for sentient rights in at least three dimensions. Users report experiencing temporal displacement while waiting for their documents, though this may just be regular printer lag.
WARNING: Observing the probability may collapse the quantum state of your actual printer. Use only when your document isn’t actually important.
Technical Support
For technical support with the calculator, please submit a ticket that exists in a quantum superposition of “urgent” and “will get to it eventually.” Our automated response system will get back to you before you submit the ticket (temporal causality permitting).
“The calculator confirmed my suspicions - my document simultaneously printed successfully in another universe while jamming in this one.” - Dave from Accounting, still on lunch break
Try the calculator for yourself below, and remember - in the quantum realm of office equipment, every print job is simultaneously successful and jammed until you open the printer drawer.
Quantum Printer Probability Calculator
*Results may vary across parallel dimensions. No warranty expressed or implied.
Note: The Quantum Printer Probability Calculator has achieved a 100% accuracy rate in predicting printer failures, primarily by predicting failure 100% of the time.