NOTICE: THIS MEMORANDUM EXISTS IN A SUPERPOSITION OF STATES UNTIL READ
Following the recent incidents at the Multiversal Office Party (see attached incident reports #QP-7249 through #QP-∞), and in light of Maxwell Planck III’s ongoing experiments with quantum-entangled fruit juice, the Interdimensional Safety Squad is implementing the following guidelines for all quantum punch-related activities.
SECTION 1: PREPARATION PROTOCOLS
1.1 Certification Requirements
All quantum punch must be prepared by certified Quantum Mixologists (QM-Class 3 or higher).
1.2 Prohibited Ingredients
- Antimatter oranges
- Time-displaced lemons
- Schrödinger’s concentrate
- Tachyonic tonic water
- Entangled elderflower
- Quantum foam (unless properly decoherent)
1.3 Containment Field Requirements
- Standard punch bowls: 3.6 gigajoules
- Party-size dispensers: 7.2 gigajoules
- Janet from Accounting’s special recipe: Minimum 12 parsecs of containment
SECTION 2: SERVING GUIDELINES
2.1 DO NOT:
- Observe the punch while it’s being mixed (this collapses its wave function prematurely)
- Use the same ladle across multiple dimensions simultaneously
- Attempt to calculate the exact position and momentum of floating fruit
- Mix quantum punch with regular punch (see Incident Report #QP-8675309: “The Great Punch Convergence of 2024”)
2.2 DO:
- Maintain proper quantum uncertainty when measuring servings
- Keep at least one alternate version of yourself sober
- Ensure all cups exist in three-dimensional space before filling
- File Form QP-42 (“Intent to Consume Quantum Beverages”) in triplicate across all relevant timelines
SECTION 3: CONSUMPTION WARNINGS
The following side effects have been reported and are considered “normal”:
- Temporary probability displacement
- Mild quantum tunneling
- Spontaneous dimension hopping
- Existence in multiple party states simultaneously
- Enhanced ability to understand string theory
- Uncontrollable urge to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem
- Speaking in mathematical equations
EMERGENCY PROCEDURES
In case of quantum punch spillage:
- Do NOT attempt to clean it up while observing it
- Contact the Interdimensional Safety Squad immediately (or three days ago, whichever comes first)
- Evacuate the affected timeline(s)
- Fill out Form QP-911 (“Quantum Punch Incident Report”) before, during, and after the incident
SECTION 4: PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES
The following activities are strictly forbidden:
- Using quantum punch to fuel interdimensional travel
- Attempting to achieve faster-than-light intoxication
- Creating temporal loops to extend happy hour
- Using the punch bowl as a quantum computer
- Mixing quantum punch with coffee from the quantum coffee machine (we’re still dealing with last week’s caffeine cascade failure)
SECTION 5: ACCEPTABLE QUANTUM STATES FOR PUNCH
All quantum punch must maintain a minimum superposition of the following states:
- Delicious/Questionable
- Liquid/Wave Function
- Intoxicating/Enlightening
- Past/Future Expiration Date
- Contains Real Fruit/Contains Theoretical Fruit
REMINDER: As per company policy, all employees must maintain a quantum sobriety coefficient of at least 0.5 across all inhabited dimensions during working hours (excluding authorized office parties and interdimensional team building events).
APPENDIX A: APPROVED QUANTUM PUNCH RECIPES
1. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Punch
- Ingredients uncertain until measured
- Serves ∞ ±3 guests
2. The Superposition Spritzer
- Simultaneously contains all and no ingredients
- Serves everyone and no one
3. The Copenhagen Interpretation
- Only exists when directly observed
- Warning: May collapse into Danish schnapps
SIGNING AUTHORITY
This memo has been approved by:
- The Board of Interdimensional Directors
- Quantum HR (all versions)
- That one version of you that actually reads all company memos
- Schrödinger’s Cat (approval status uncertain)
Note: If you’re reading this memo in Universe X-742, please disregard all references to quantum punch and replace them with “quantum cheese.” We don’t talk about what happened with the punch in that universe.