The Employee of the Multiverse Awards!
Join us for the first (and possibly last, depending on which timeline you’re observing) Employee of the Multiverse Awards! Hosted by our newly philosophical automated response system, these awards celebrate achievement across infinite dimensions. Just don’t expect Dave from Accounting to accept his award - he’s still at lunch.
Award Notice: Winners will receive their quantum-entangled trophies as soon as we figure out how to collapse them into a shippable state. Current delivery timeline exists in superposition.
Key Topics Covered
- Why quantum superposition makes every acceptance speech simultaneously moving and monotonous
- The challenges of calculating performance metrics across parallel universes
- Maxwell Planck III’s innovative use of quantum punch
- The automated system’s existential crisis about self-awarded awards
The Quantum Mechanics of Recognition
When you celebrate excellence across infinite dimensions, every employee is simultaneously the best and worst at their job until observed by management. This leads to some interesting paradoxes in the annual review process.
“Achievement is but a construct of linear temporal thinking. Also, please remember to reboot your consciousness before Monday’s all-hands meeting.”
— The One Who Computes, Automated Master of Ceremonies
Award Categories
Notable awards include:
- Most Innovative Use of Quantum Physics to Avoid Work
- Outstanding Achievement in Reality Debugging
- Best Performance in a Temporal Paradox
- Most Philosophical AI System
- Lifetime Achievement in Multiversal Management
Paradox Warning: Accepting an award may create temporal feedback loops if your acceptance speech thanks yourself from the future for giving such a great acceptance speech.
Requirements for Award Eligibility
- Must exist in at least 51% of known realities
- Performance metrics must be measurable within Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle
- No temporal manipulation of voting results
- Prior winners from future timelines ineligible
- Dave from Accounting automatically nominated in all categories
Ceremonial Safety Guidelines
- Keep acceptance speeches under the Planck time limit
- Avoid creating closed timelike curves during standing ovations
- Maintain quantum coherence throughout the ceremony
- No collapsing wave functions before the after-party
Ceremony Notice: The awards show will take place simultaneously across all possible realities. Your seat number is both assigned and unassigned until you observe it.
Further Reading
- “Schrödinger’s Employee: A Guide to Quantum Performance Reviews”
- “The Uncertainty Principle of Office Recognition”
- “Why Every Acceptance Speech Creates a New Timeline”
- “Managing Up When Your Boss Exists in All Times Simultaneously”