The Quantum Coffee Machine Incident
Following last week's unfortunate incident where the break room's quantum coffee machine created simultaneous versions of everyone's morning brew across seven parallel dimensions, we'd like to clarify the proper operating procedures and address several concerns raised by staff members from multiple realities.
What Actually Happened
At approximately 9:15 AM (Standard Multiverse Time), Junior Quantum Engineer Terry Williams attempted to bypass the quantum stabilizer by pressing the "Strong Brew" and "Iced Coffee" buttons simultaneously, hoping to create a "quantum superposition of temperatures." This resulted in a cascade failure of the machine's reality containment field.
Immediate Effects
The resulting quantum decoherence caused every cup of coffee requested that morning to materialize in seven different parallel dimensions simultaneously. This led to several unexpected consequences:
- Severe caffeine overcrowding in Break Room Dimension C-137
- A temporary shortage of coffee cups in Dimensions F through K
- One instance of reverse-time coffee consumption, resulting in mysterious pre-caffeination
- Seventeen reports of employees experiencing their coffee break before actually taking it
Updated Safety Procedures
Effective immediately, the following procedures must be observed when using any quantum break room appliances:
- No attempt should be made to create quantum superpositions of beverages
- The "Strong Brew" button must not be pressed while thinking about parallel universes
- All coffee must remain in its original dimension of brewing
- Time-delayed coffee preparation must be approved by Past-HR and Future-HR
Moving Forward
The Interdimensional Maintenance Department has installed new safety features on all quantum break room appliances. Additionally, we're pleased to announce that the spontaneous coffee manifestations have created an unexpected surplus in the Q-dimension break room, which will be used to supply next month's all-hands meeting across all known dimensions.
