RE: Updated Guidelines for Quantum Punch Dispensation and Consumption

FROM: Interdimensional Safety Squad & Department of Temporal Beverages
TO: All Employees Across Currently Existing Dimensions
DATE: November 1, 2024 (±3 quantum fluctuations)
PRIORITY: Urgent/Paradoxical
Filed under: Safety Protocols, Quantum Beverages, Incident Prevention
NOTICE: THIS MEMORANDUM EXISTS IN A SUPERPOSITION OF STATES UNTIL READ

Following the recent incidents at the Multiversal Office Party (see attached incident reports #QP-7249 through #QP-∞), and in light of Maxwell Planck III's ongoing experiments with quantum-entangled fruit juice, the Interdimensional Safety Squad is implementing the following guidelines for all quantum punch-related activities:

SECTION 1: PREPARATION PROTOCOLS

1.1 Certification Requirements

All quantum punch must be prepared by certified Quantum Mixologists (QM-Class 3 or higher).

1.2 Prohibited Ingredients

  • Antimatter oranges
  • Time-displaced lemons
  • Schrödinger's concentrate
  • Tachyonic tonic water
  • Entangled elderflower
  • Quantum foam (unless properly decoherent)

 

1.3 Containment Field Requirements

Standard punch bowls: 3.6 gigajoules
Party-size dispensers: 7.2 gigajoules
Janet from Accounting's special recipe: Minimum 12 parsecs of containment

SECTION 2: SERVING GUIDELINES

CRITICAL: Failure to follow these guidelines may result in uncontrolled quantum punch cascades

2.1 DO NOT:

  • Observe the punch while it's being mixed (this collapses its wave function prematurely)
  • Use the same ladle across multiple dimensions simultaneously
  • Attempt to calculate the exact position and momentum of floating fruit
  • Mix quantum punch with regular punch (see Incident Report #QP-8675309: "The Great Punch Convergence of 2024")

 

2.2 DO:

  • Maintain proper quantum uncertainty when measuring servings
  • Keep at least one alternate version of yourself sober
  • Ensure all cups exist in three-dimensional space before filling
  • File Form QP-42 ("Intent to Consume Quantum Beverages") in triplicate across all relevant timelines

SECTION 3: CONSUMPTION WARNINGS

The following side effects have been reported and are considered "normal":

  • Temporary probability displacement
  • Mild quantum tunneling
  • Spontaneous dimension hopping
  • Existence in multiple party states simultaneously
  • Enhanced ability to understand string theory
  • Uncontrollable urge to solve Fermat's Last Theorem
  • Speaking in mathematical equations

 

EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

In case of quantum punch spillage:

  1. Do NOT attempt to clean it up while observing it
  2. Contact the Interdimensional Safety Squad immediately (or three days ago, whichever comes first)
  3. Evacuate the affected timeline(s)
  4. Fill out Form QP-911 ("Quantum Punch Incident Report") before, during, and after the incident

SECTION 4: PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES

The following activities are strictly forbidden:

  • Using quantum punch to fuel interdimensional travel
  • Attempting to achieve faster-than-light intoxication
  • Creating temporal loops to extend happy hour
  • Using the punch bowl as a quantum computer
  • Mixing quantum punch with coffee from the quantum coffee machine (we're still dealing with last week's caffeine cascade failure)

SECTION 5: ACCEPTABLE QUANTUM STATES FOR PUNCH

All quantum punch must maintain a minimum superposition of the following states:

  • Delicious/Questionable
  • Liquid/Wave Function
  • Intoxicating/Enlightening
  • Past/Future Expiration Date
  • Contains Real Fruit/Contains Theoretical Fruit
REMINDER: As per company policy, all employees must maintain a quantum sobriety coefficient of at least 0.5 across all inhabited dimensions during working hours (excluding authorized office parties and interdimensional team building events).

APPENDIX A: APPROVED QUANTUM PUNCH RECIPES

1. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Punch

  • Ingredients uncertain until measured
  • Serves ∞ ±3 guests

2. The Superposition Spritzer

  • Simultaneously contains all and no ingredients
  • Serves everyone and no one

3. The Copenhagen Interpretation

  • Only exists when directly observed
  • Warning: May collapse into Danish schnapps

SIGNING AUTHORITY

This memo has been approved by:

  • The Board of Interdimensional Directors
  • Quantum HR (all versions)
  • That one version of you that actually reads all company memos
  • Schrödinger's Cat (approval status uncertain)

 

Please acknowledge receipt of this memo across all dimensions you currently inhabit.

Note: If you're reading this memo in Universe X-742, please disregard all references to quantum punch and replace them with "quantum cheese." We don't talk about what happened with the punch in that universe.

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